My "homework" has been going well so far. I commonly feel two conflicting things now that the medication is starting to kick in: 1) Realization that the things I worry about are irrational, but 2) A simultaneous fear and need to perform my rituals in order to make myself feel better.

Maybe it would help if I explained my rituals a little bit. I remember reading about OCD in Alison Bechdel's graphic novel Fun Home. The protagonist, Alison, begins experiencing childhood OCD symptoms around age 10. Though each case of OCD is different, one of the compulsions she experiences reminded me of my own case:

If my day went well, I tried to duplicate as many of its conditions as possible. And if it didn't I made small adjustments to my regimen. Life had become a laborious round of chores. At the end of the day, if I undressed in the wrong order, I had to put my clothes back on and start again.

This is very similar to my experience with OCD. Repeating trusted behaviors is a variety of OCD (some others include checking, counting, or washing) and it's how my condition manifests. As much as I love Bechdel's novel, it's a little frustrating for me, as an OCD sufferer, to watch her recover all by herself. She describes her OCD as a "spell" - just a brief period of her life where she's OC (of course, this really isn't accurate, and a close reader of the novel can see OC symptoms well into her adulthood). I guess what I do want is for there to be more awareness in the general public about how debilitating OCD can be, and how necessary it is for patients to find treatment with trained doctors.

I guess I'm trying to wrestle with the fact that OCD is generally a chronic condition - it should persist my entire life. My doctors say that my recently worsened symptoms are probably a product of life stress, but even given my eventual recovery there's still going to loom the threat of relapse for, well, ever. Blerg.