Where do I begin? I've made a bit of progress recently: I'm staying out of the house until 4:25, eating more of what I want for dinner, and exercising. I went to a party for the first time since January. Fridays have been hard for me, as my anxiety is very peaked on this particular day, but I've been trying to get out of the house and socialize on anyway. Last Friday I had lunch with Tekla and Amanda, and this Friday Rachel and I went to The Omelettery on Burnet.
I think I've mentioned that my OCD makes me distrust things, events, or circumstances that I view as "good." Recently, I did some positive things for myself, like buying some really cute shoes and upgrading to the new iPhone 4S (it's so fancy!).
Lots of this stuff feels really great. I totally enjoy getting my life back, even if it is going slowly. But alongside this pride that I feel for standing up to my disorder, I kind of see myself as a freak. A malaise sinks in when I think about dating again or having to tell people about my compulsions. If my recovery continues the way it's been going, I will eventually be totally healthy. But, I know that it's possible for the disorder to relapse again. How would I even start to explain to a new boyfriend that I have this potentially debilitating illness? And, let's face it, no mater how much I criticize U.S. culture for stigmatizing mental illness, I still feel some level of embarrassment about my compulsions.
On the bright side, I have amazing friends, excellent doctors, and work that I care about passionately. I'm teaching a new class in the fall, and the course planning is lots of fun. Plus, summer is already here.
I'm so happy to hear that you are doing so well. Awesome!!
ReplyDeleteOh, I know what you mean about seeing yourself as a freak. In the early days of treatment, I even remember having a few panic attacks simply because I thought I was a freak. For me, acceptance came slowly. I'm not going to lie, I still struggle with it occasionally, but much, much less than I used to. I am who I am. I have struggles, but so does everyone else. I have found that, by and large, people have been extremely understanding and compassionate when I've shared my illness with them. And frankly, if someone was to treat me badly because of OCD, they are not the type of person I want in my life. Plain and simple. If someone you're dating really and truly cares about you, they will accept it. I really believe that.
Anyway, congrats!
Thank you so much for your kind words! Battling the disorder is unbelievably challenging at times, and I truly would not be where I am without my support system. Sometimes, when I'm feeling bummed out, I think about you and Tina, and all the other OCD bloggers. Though we've never met in real life, it's so heartening to hear about your experiences and gain your support.
DeleteThanks again! And many good thoughts from me towards your recovery as well.
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