Progress, feelings, summer

Where do I begin? I've made a bit of progress recently: I'm staying out of the house until 4:25, eating more of what I want for dinner, and exercising. I went to a party for the first time since January. Fridays have been hard for me, as my anxiety is very peaked on this particular day, but I've been trying to get out of the house and socialize on anyway. Last Friday I had lunch with Tekla and Amanda, and this Friday Rachel and I went to The Omelettery on Burnet.

I think I've mentioned that  my OCD makes me distrust things, events, or circumstances that I view as "good." Recently, I did some positive things for myself, like buying some really cute shoes and upgrading  to the new iPhone 4S (it's so fancy!).

Lots of this stuff feels really great. I totally enjoy getting my life back, even if it is going slowly. But alongside this pride that I feel for standing up to my disorder, I kind of see myself as a freak. A malaise sinks in when I think about dating again or having to tell people about my compulsions. If my recovery continues the way it's been going, I will eventually be totally healthy. But, I know that it's possible for the disorder to relapse again. How would I even start to explain to a new boyfriend that I have this potentially debilitating illness? And, let's face it, no mater how much I criticize U.S. culture for stigmatizing mental illness, I still feel some level of embarrassment about my compulsions.

On the bright side, I have amazing friends, excellent doctors, and work that I care about passionately. I'm teaching a new class in the fall, and the course planning is lots of fun. Plus, summer is already here.

Hi, blog world. I've neglected writing for a few weeks now, but I'm not apologizing for my web absence. I realized that I haven't much felt like thinking, or writing about, my OCD recently. There was a while where I checked this blog regularly, read other OCD bloggers' stories eagerly, and actively recorded my feelings here.

I just haven't wanted to think about any of that. I needed a break.

Sometimes the work of getting better is slow. Sometimes it goes fast. At times I feel very proud of everything I've accomplished, but I also feel this nagging weariness as the recovery period drags on. I've gotten so much support from my friends, and I'm going to need lots of love and good thoughts going forward.

I keep a progress log of all the exposures I do and the steps forward that I make. If I'm feeling low, I like to look back a month ago and see where I was then. Looking at then and now I see big changes, but it's often hard to remember that. In the last month, I've gotten a lot back:

Working on my dissertation, working in general, wearing jewelry, wearing makeup, wearing whatever skirts and shirts I want, being out 'til 4:21, exercising, adjusting my dosage of Sertraline for the final time, painting my nails, eating new foods at dinner, subtracting "safe" foods from dinner, doing laundry, getting my hair cut...

My YBOCS score is also down to 20. This is all good! I'm just ready to be better now.