Where do I begin? I've made a bit of progress recently: I'm staying out of the house until 4:25, eating more of what I want for dinner, and exercising. I went to a party for the first time since January. Fridays have been hard for me, as my anxiety is very peaked on this particular day, but I've been trying to get out of the house and socialize on anyway. Last Friday I had lunch with Tekla and Amanda, and this Friday Rachel and I went to The Omelettery on Burnet.
I think I've mentioned that my OCD makes me distrust things, events, or circumstances that I view as "good." Recently, I did some positive things for myself, like buying some really cute shoes and upgrading to the new iPhone 4S (it's so fancy!).
Lots of this stuff feels really great. I totally enjoy getting my life back, even if it is going slowly. But alongside this pride that I feel for standing up to my disorder, I kind of see myself as a freak. A malaise sinks in when I think about dating again or having to tell people about my compulsions. If my recovery continues the way it's been going, I will eventually be totally healthy. But, I know that it's possible for the disorder to relapse again. How would I even start to explain to a new boyfriend that I have this potentially debilitating illness? And, let's face it, no mater how much I criticize U.S. culture for stigmatizing mental illness, I still feel some level of embarrassment about my compulsions.
On the bright side, I have amazing friends, excellent doctors, and work that I care about passionately. I'm teaching a new class in the fall, and the course planning is lots of fun. Plus, summer is already here.
Showing posts with label progress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label progress. Show all posts
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Lists
As of yesterday, I've been on my own for a week. Mom left last Monday, and it's good to be self-sufficient again. Even though my rituals still keep me very limited, I don't feel like the helpless lump that I was about a month ago. There's quite a lot I want to write about in this post, and I think the content would be best facilitated by creating some lists.
I've accomplished some new (and exciting!) progress working against my OCD rituals. In the past week or so, I've achieved the following:
I've accomplished some new (and exciting!) progress working against my OCD rituals. In the past week or so, I've achieved the following:
- Staying out of the house until 4:16
- Beginning to work on my dissertation again
- Eating more sweets (my OCD objected to candy, unfortunately)
- Completely taking care of myself, without help from Mom or Dad
- Feeling more comfortable putting effort into my appearance (wearing the clothes/jewelry/makeup that I want to)
Additionally, friends and family have offered tons of support. Did you know that my friends make up a small army of super-caring, ultra-generous, swift-acting, helper-people? Things I've received (whether tangible or intangible) include:
- Tons of hugs, good thoughts, emails, calls, etc.
- Incredibly thoughtful cards from Kerry, Amanda, Stephanie, Lauren, Meg, Pamela and Nikki (seriously, I teared up when reading these)
- A gift from my Etsy wish list, courtesy of Lauren, that I'm anticipating with bated breath
- Coloring books (!!) from Meg
- Steven has offered Alaskan salmon that he caught
- A puzzle from Tekla
- Awesome lunch dates with Dustin, Stephanie, Amanda, and many more upcoming plans on my calendar to look forward to
Now that I'm more open about my OCD, many acquaintances and co-workers inquire about my improvement. My standard response usually alludes to how surreal things have felt, but I've been telling so many people how lucky I am to have such loving friends in my life. I, truly, would not be in such good shape and making such swift progress if it weren't for all of you.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Frankie Says Don't Worry About Your YBOCS Score
I went to see my doctor at AustinOCD today. Every time I go into the office, he asks me to fill out the Yale-Brown Obsessive-Compulsive Scale. Commonly known as YBOCS, the scale uses a 40-point, standardized questionnaire in order to diagnose the severity of one's OCD. A score of 40 indicates the most severe symptoms, and 0 the least.
So, during every visit to the doctor's office I re-take the survey. At my first visit to AustinOCD, I scored a 29. During today's meeting, my doctor told me that my score had dropped with each visit. Last week I was at a 26, and this week I scored 24. Because the changes with OCD recovery are so small and incremental, it's sometimes hard to tell if I am, indeed, getting better. But my YBOCS score is going down little by little. And that's a really good sign.
After we talked about my improving YBOCS score, Dr. M pointed out that despite my quickening progress, he had recorded in his notes: "She's concerned she's not doing enough work to get better." I'm assuming that this mental self-flagellation is due in part to my training in graduate school. As an academic, there are no boundaries on when and where you're supposed to work, so I usually find myself thinking "I should be working right now" during most hours of the day. Apparently this all-work-and-no-play mentality has shifted to my health! I need to learn to relax.
So, during every visit to the doctor's office I re-take the survey. At my first visit to AustinOCD, I scored a 29. During today's meeting, my doctor told me that my score had dropped with each visit. Last week I was at a 26, and this week I scored 24. Because the changes with OCD recovery are so small and incremental, it's sometimes hard to tell if I am, indeed, getting better. But my YBOCS score is going down little by little. And that's a really good sign.
After we talked about my improving YBOCS score, Dr. M pointed out that despite my quickening progress, he had recorded in his notes: "She's concerned she's not doing enough work to get better." I'm assuming that this mental self-flagellation is due in part to my training in graduate school. As an academic, there are no boundaries on when and where you're supposed to work, so I usually find myself thinking "I should be working right now" during most hours of the day. Apparently this all-work-and-no-play mentality has shifted to my health! I need to learn to relax.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Fun Home(work)
I met with Dr. M again today for my second-ever visit with AustinOCD. We talked about my progress last week, which consisted of just "poking" at little rituals and habits that I have. He said I'm in great shape and am going at a good recovery pace. That was nice to hear because it's kind of hard to tell if I'm taking on enough. Most notably, I made it out of the house 'til 4:15 (yay!) and ate some foods that are "off limits."
I've officially discontinued the Ativan - big relief! No more medication adjustments for a while.
My homework for this week involves two things:
Also, I learned that Dr. M is familiar with Alison Bechdel, one of my favorite authors. I mentioned her book Fun Home in our meeting today, and he said the name was familiar to him. Apparently, he's read her comic strip Dykes to Watch Out For. Exciting!
I've officially discontinued the Ativan - big relief! No more medication adjustments for a while.
My homework for this week involves two things:
- Keep "poking" at my rituals and habits (but don't try to take on too much right now).
- Find ways to be purposefully imperfect. Dr. M said that OCD tends to make you want to do things perfectly, and that going out of my way to make errors, mistakes, and slip-ups will help my recovery. He suggested things like: including typos in emails, not doing all of my makeup, or leaving out dirty dishes.
Also, I learned that Dr. M is familiar with Alison Bechdel, one of my favorite authors. I mentioned her book Fun Home in our meeting today, and he said the name was familiar to him. Apparently, he's read her comic strip Dykes to Watch Out For. Exciting!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
New Doctors!
I just got back with my meeting with the director of AustinOCD, and overall I think the meeting went well. The director of the center is Dr. M and he kind of looks like Richard Attenborough from Jurassic Park. The meeting was mostly "patient education" about OCD and what happens in the brain with this specific disorder. Dr. M refers to it as a "neurological glitch." This glitch happens in your frontal cortex, so you perceive danger where there is none.
Here are some of the other relevant things I learned from the meeting:
Medication: Dr. M discussed the medication switch I went through recently, and said that because I had such a hard time when I was starting the new medication, it might actually indicate that this particular med is going to be a good fit with my brain. It's kind of complicated, but because of something called "downregulation," when an SSRI is a good fit with your brain, it floods your body with serotonin, and so (at first) you end up producing less and so feeling worse. In the long term, though, once I adjust, it might indicate that the particular chemical in the Sertraline will help me a lot.
Prognosis: I had been nervous because when I first spoke with Dr. M he had referred to my condition as "severe." That totally freaked me out. I mean, yes, things have worsened with my condition, but it's scary to hear someone say you have a "severe" illness. He addressed that today with me - he said it sounds like the anxiety/"suffering" I've been going through is severe. However, he says he's very optimistic about my treatment based on my history with OCD and current disposition.
Rituals: My homework this week is to "poke" at my OCD - just try to change little things in my rituals. I had been trying to tackle some ritual-changing on my own, and told him I started with trying to stay out of the house later because it was such a "big" ritual and so obnoxious. He asked why I'd started with something big and suggested I try to do small things instead. He emphasized I take on modest goals at first. Especially at the beginning of recovery, he said, it's a mistake to do too much.
Overall, I'm pretty positive about things right now, but it's soooo hard to just make slow, small gains. I am impatient and want to fix every problem right now.
Here are some of the other relevant things I learned from the meeting:
Medication: Dr. M discussed the medication switch I went through recently, and said that because I had such a hard time when I was starting the new medication, it might actually indicate that this particular med is going to be a good fit with my brain. It's kind of complicated, but because of something called "downregulation," when an SSRI is a good fit with your brain, it floods your body with serotonin, and so (at first) you end up producing less and so feeling worse. In the long term, though, once I adjust, it might indicate that the particular chemical in the Sertraline will help me a lot.
Prognosis: I had been nervous because when I first spoke with Dr. M he had referred to my condition as "severe." That totally freaked me out. I mean, yes, things have worsened with my condition, but it's scary to hear someone say you have a "severe" illness. He addressed that today with me - he said it sounds like the anxiety/"suffering" I've been going through is severe. However, he says he's very optimistic about my treatment based on my history with OCD and current disposition.
Rituals: My homework this week is to "poke" at my OCD - just try to change little things in my rituals. I had been trying to tackle some ritual-changing on my own, and told him I started with trying to stay out of the house later because it was such a "big" ritual and so obnoxious. He asked why I'd started with something big and suggested I try to do small things instead. He emphasized I take on modest goals at first. Especially at the beginning of recovery, he said, it's a mistake to do too much.
Overall, I'm pretty positive about things right now, but it's soooo hard to just make slow, small gains. I am impatient and want to fix every problem right now.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Happy Sunday, blog world. This weekend has been pretty good. Mostly, my homework involved socializing. Dr. D encouraged me pretty strongly spend lots of time with my friends and family. They're my support system and also help me feel tons better.
Friday afternoon my aunt, cousin, and her two little children came into town and we had a long afternoon lunch. I was nervous because it was a Friday - recently, the weekends have been making me nervous because it's a long stretch of time where I can't get into contact with my doctors if I need to. However, I think this weekend I was less anxious than the previous weekend. This anxiousness about weekends is new for me, and quite frankly it sucks.
Yesterday was a big step because I went out and socialized on my own, without Mom! I didn't rely on Mom to drive or pay at all. I went out to lunch with my friend Tekla and ate a massive burrito. We bummed around a little bit and then I took her home. Later, I went to Target to buy this pretty vase I've been coveting. So, I guess I allowed myself to have a good thing. I rewarded myself - this is good.
Also, I went two whole days without crying. This isn't necessarily an accomplishment, per se, but an indicator of my mood stabilizing and my body adapting to the new medications. Dr. E said that my regular crying jags were probably being produced by the medication swap and my body/hormones adjusting. I didn't cry at all on Thursday or Friday. Yesterday I did get upset, though.
Sometimes I get really frustrated with the fact that I have OCD. I start to ask lots of unproductive questions like "Why did this have to happen to me?" or try to tell the universe that it's not fair for me to have this stupid illness. I suppose I'm grieving - from what I understand this kind of anger and sadness is normal. I'm just trying to let myself feel my feelings, whatever they are.
Friday afternoon my aunt, cousin, and her two little children came into town and we had a long afternoon lunch. I was nervous because it was a Friday - recently, the weekends have been making me nervous because it's a long stretch of time where I can't get into contact with my doctors if I need to. However, I think this weekend I was less anxious than the previous weekend. This anxiousness about weekends is new for me, and quite frankly it sucks.
Yesterday was a big step because I went out and socialized on my own, without Mom! I didn't rely on Mom to drive or pay at all. I went out to lunch with my friend Tekla and ate a massive burrito. We bummed around a little bit and then I took her home. Later, I went to Target to buy this pretty vase I've been coveting. So, I guess I allowed myself to have a good thing. I rewarded myself - this is good.
Also, I went two whole days without crying. This isn't necessarily an accomplishment, per se, but an indicator of my mood stabilizing and my body adapting to the new medications. Dr. E said that my regular crying jags were probably being produced by the medication swap and my body/hormones adjusting. I didn't cry at all on Thursday or Friday. Yesterday I did get upset, though.
Sometimes I get really frustrated with the fact that I have OCD. I start to ask lots of unproductive questions like "Why did this have to happen to me?" or try to tell the universe that it's not fair for me to have this stupid illness. I suppose I'm grieving - from what I understand this kind of anger and sadness is normal. I'm just trying to let myself feel my feelings, whatever they are.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Though Wednesday was pretty difficult, Thursday (yesterday) was better. I didn't cry, and my mood was a little bit perkier. I'm still suspicious of these days when I feel more upbeat, but Dr. E says that by next week I should be having more and more of them, and my good moods won't feel like a "fluke."
As for my homework, I did something very small, but it felt really good. I took care of cleaning up all of the dishes after dinner. I put away all the leftovers, and washed and scrubbed the plates in my sink. Up until now, Mom has been doing these kinds of things since I've been largely helpless. It felt really good to take back this little chore - I felt a bit more like myself, and I felt more capable.
Also, I got a very sweet phone call from my friend Kerry, and she offered lots of kind thoughts and advice. She said one thing that has stuck with me, which is to reward myself for doing all my hard work. She asked if I was treating myself in any way, and I realized I hadn't really been doing anything like that. In some way my freedom, in and of itself, is a reward. It's such a magical feeling to be able, little by little, to get my life back.
But Kerry's right - I do need to reward myself. Some ideas that spring to mind are:
- Buying myself little presents from my Etsy wish list
- A yummy dessert
- A date with a friend
- Pretty fabric from Calico Corners
- A bottle of Champagne (when I'm allowed to drink again)
- Flowers
- DVDs of my favorite TV shows
- Visiting a new restaurant
It was kind of hard to think of ways to reward myself. That says something important, yes? I'll work on this more.
As for my homework, I did something very small, but it felt really good. I took care of cleaning up all of the dishes after dinner. I put away all the leftovers, and washed and scrubbed the plates in my sink. Up until now, Mom has been doing these kinds of things since I've been largely helpless. It felt really good to take back this little chore - I felt a bit more like myself, and I felt more capable.
Also, I got a very sweet phone call from my friend Kerry, and she offered lots of kind thoughts and advice. She said one thing that has stuck with me, which is to reward myself for doing all my hard work. She asked if I was treating myself in any way, and I realized I hadn't really been doing anything like that. In some way my freedom, in and of itself, is a reward. It's such a magical feeling to be able, little by little, to get my life back.
But Kerry's right - I do need to reward myself. Some ideas that spring to mind are:
- Buying myself little presents from my Etsy wish list
- A yummy dessert
- A date with a friend
- Pretty fabric from Calico Corners
- A bottle of Champagne (when I'm allowed to drink again)
- Flowers
- DVDs of my favorite TV shows
- Visiting a new restaurant
It was kind of hard to think of ways to reward myself. That says something important, yes? I'll work on this more.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Yesterday was kind of hard for me. I woke up with higher anxiety levels, and doing my homework was really hard. I did, however, take the bus to school and stay out of the house until 4:23 (little victories!). I had initially planned to take the bus back from school as well, but I got too scared. I wasn't sure how long the ride would take, and staying out too late made me really nervous. But, I did make progress.
After I got home from work I got really scared and cried. Dr. E said that I might experience a "mid-week crash." So, I guess that's what happened. I'm trying to keep everything in perspective and remind myself that I'm still doing better than when I started on the medication. Like, that first week I went over to Tekla's house and was really nervous. I could barely stay an entire hour.
Also, I guess I should say that I need all the love and support that friends and loved ones can offer right now. Things are very hard still, and every little piece of homework feels like a battle. I would love any encouragement that anyone could offer!
After I got home from work I got really scared and cried. Dr. E said that I might experience a "mid-week crash." So, I guess that's what happened. I'm trying to keep everything in perspective and remind myself that I'm still doing better than when I started on the medication. Like, that first week I went over to Tekla's house and was really nervous. I could barely stay an entire hour.
Also, I guess I should say that I need all the love and support that friends and loved ones can offer right now. Things are very hard still, and every little piece of homework feels like a battle. I would love any encouragement that anyone could offer!
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