Progress, feelings, summer

Where do I begin? I've made a bit of progress recently: I'm staying out of the house until 4:25, eating more of what I want for dinner, and exercising. I went to a party for the first time since January. Fridays have been hard for me, as my anxiety is very peaked on this particular day, but I've been trying to get out of the house and socialize on anyway. Last Friday I had lunch with Tekla and Amanda, and this Friday Rachel and I went to The Omelettery on Burnet.

I think I've mentioned that  my OCD makes me distrust things, events, or circumstances that I view as "good." Recently, I did some positive things for myself, like buying some really cute shoes and upgrading  to the new iPhone 4S (it's so fancy!).

Lots of this stuff feels really great. I totally enjoy getting my life back, even if it is going slowly. But alongside this pride that I feel for standing up to my disorder, I kind of see myself as a freak. A malaise sinks in when I think about dating again or having to tell people about my compulsions. If my recovery continues the way it's been going, I will eventually be totally healthy. But, I know that it's possible for the disorder to relapse again. How would I even start to explain to a new boyfriend that I have this potentially debilitating illness? And, let's face it, no mater how much I criticize U.S. culture for stigmatizing mental illness, I still feel some level of embarrassment about my compulsions.

On the bright side, I have amazing friends, excellent doctors, and work that I care about passionately. I'm teaching a new class in the fall, and the course planning is lots of fun. Plus, summer is already here.

Lists

As of yesterday, I've been on my own for a week. Mom left last Monday, and it's good to be self-sufficient again. Even though my rituals still keep me very limited, I don't feel like the helpless lump that I was about a month ago. There's quite a lot I want to write about in this post, and I think the content would be best facilitated by creating some lists.

I've accomplished some new (and exciting!) progress working against my OCD rituals. In the past week or so, I've achieved the following:

• Staying out of the house until 4:16
• Beginning to work on my dissertation again
• Eating more sweets (my OCD objected to candy, unfortunately)
• Completely taking care of myself, without help from Mom or Dad
• Feeling more comfortable putting effort into my appearance (wearing the clothes/jewelry/makeup that I want to)

Additionally, friends and family have offered tons of support. Did you know that my friends make up a small army of super-caring, ultra-generous, swift-acting, helper-people? Things I've received (whether tangible or intangible) include: 

• Tons of hugs, good thoughts, emails, calls, etc.
• Incredibly thoughtful cards from Kerry, Amanda, Stephanie, Lauren, Meg, Pamela and Nikki (seriously, I teared up when reading these)
• A gift from my Etsy wish list, courtesy of Lauren, that I'm anticipating with bated breath
• Coloring books (!!) from Meg
• Steven has offered Alaskan salmon that he caught
• A puzzle from Tekla
• Awesome lunch dates with Dustin, Stephanie, Amanda, and many more upcoming plans on my calendar to look forward to

Now that I'm more open about my OCD, many acquaintances and co-workers inquire about my improvement. My standard response usually alludes to how surreal things have felt, but I've been telling so many people how lucky I am to have such loving friends in my life. I, truly, would not be in such good shape and making such swift progress if it weren't for all of you. 

How You Can Help!

Because I have some of the best friends in the world, I've received lots of offers to help out. I've been thinking about types of support that would be helpful for me. If you want to help out, here are some things that would be good.

• Hugs! Big fatty friend hugs are pretty much the best.
• Cards. I'd love to have some cards to hang up in my apartment. I can get really anxious sometimes, so it would be nice to have a bunch of cards to serve as physical reminders of all the wonderful people in my life. You can send me an email or private message for my address, or you can leave it in my school mailbox.
• Lunch dates. Right now my rituals keep me housbound from around 4pm-onward during the evenings. OCD can be pretty isolating, and I don't want to get cut off from my friends. I'm going to try to schedule some lunch dates with every one to make sure that I maintain social contact. 
• Food is really good. I'm trying to put some weight back on, so I need to eat eat eat. I'll try to write a list of specific stuff that I like. 
• Jigsaw puzzles. For some reason, I've found that doing jigsaw puzzles helps me relieve anxiety and keeps me entertained. I usually buy 1000 piece puzzles at Target, Half Price Books, or a toy store, and would love to have more. 
• I also have an Etsy Wish List with pretty little trinkets.

March 20 Status Update

So, I haven't done a recap post in a while with pertinent info about my health stuff. Here's a quick update about where I'm at right now.

Rituals: I've been able, little by little, to start pushing back against my rituals. They start around 4pm in the afternoon, but I've been working on pushing that back. Yesterday I stayed out of the house 'til 4:06! I know that sounds like baby steps but any progress is good. There are a lot of "avoided activities" that I have. But, I am able to cook and clean for myself again, and I am going to work. For some reason, my OCD also made me feel afraid to eat certain foods, but I'm incorporating lots of new stuff into my diet and am eating more.

Medication: (Big knock on wood here) It seems like we've found a good combination of meds for me. I'm on a higher dose of an SSRI called Zoloft, and another drug that amplifies the SSRI called Seroquel XR. The crying jags seem to have stopped.

Complications: The new meds that I'm on are supposed to make me hungry, and they do. I'm pretty OK with this side effect, and I'm trying to eat as much as possible. I've also noticed some uncontrolled muscle movements in my legs (small muscle jerks) that I need to speak with my doctor about.

Treatment:  I'm going to start working with AustinOCD. I'm very hopeful about working with the people there, although I'm also nervous, because it will be hard work. Thankfully, my insurance will cover part of the cost, and my parents are going to help out.

So, I haven't blogged in a little while. Things got kind of messy as I stepped down off of the Ativan that I was taking. Apparently, the withdrawal that people experience when they wean themselves off of benzodiazepines is pretty intense. My anxiety was peaked on Sunday and Monday.

My doctor has added a mood stabilizer, Seroquel XR, to help augment the SSRI that I'm on. It made me groggy the first few days I was on it (Monday and Tuesday) but it's gotten better.

I guess the big news is that I'm going to try to start working with the Austin OCD Center as an outpatient. It's pretty expensive, and my insurance isn't that great, but my family is going to help out with the costs.

Finally, I had lunch to day with Rachel, and it felt great to get out (and also, to eat hotdogs).

Happy Sunday, blog world. This weekend has been pretty good. Mostly, my homework involved socializing. Dr. D encouraged me pretty strongly spend lots of time with my friends and family. They're my support system and also help me feel tons better.

Friday afternoon my aunt, cousin, and her two little children came into town and we had a long afternoon lunch. I was nervous because it was a Friday - recently, the weekends have been making me nervous because it's a long stretch of time where I can't get into contact with my doctors if I need to. However, I think this weekend I was less anxious than the previous weekend. This anxiousness about weekends is new for me, and quite frankly it sucks.

Yesterday was a big step because I went out and socialized on my own, without Mom! I didn't rely on Mom to drive or pay at all. I went out to lunch with my friend Tekla and ate a massive burrito. We bummed around a little bit and then I took her home. Later, I went to Target to buy this pretty vase I've been coveting. So, I guess I allowed myself to have a good thing. I rewarded myself - this is good.

Also, I went two whole days without crying. This isn't necessarily an accomplishment, per se, but an indicator of my mood stabilizing and my body adapting to the new medications. Dr. E said that my regular crying jags were probably being produced by the medication swap and my body/hormones adjusting. I didn't cry at all on Thursday or Friday. Yesterday I did get upset, though.

Sometimes I get really frustrated with the fact that I have OCD. I start to ask lots of unproductive questions like "Why did this have to happen to me?" or try to tell the universe that it's not fair for me to have this stupid illness. I suppose I'm grieving - from what I understand this kind of anger and sadness is normal. I'm just trying to let myself feel my feelings, whatever they are.

Though Wednesday was pretty difficult, Thursday (yesterday) was better. I didn't cry, and my mood was a little bit perkier. I'm still suspicious of these days when I feel more upbeat, but Dr. E says that by next week I should be having more and more of them, and my good moods won't feel like a "fluke."

As for my homework, I did something very small, but it felt really good. I took care of cleaning up all of the dishes after dinner. I put away all the leftovers, and washed and scrubbed the plates in my sink. Up until now, Mom has been doing these kinds of things since I've been largely helpless. It felt really good to take back this little chore - I felt a bit more like myself, and I felt more capable.

Also, I got a very sweet phone call from my friend Kerry, and she offered lots of kind thoughts and advice. She said one thing that has stuck with me, which is to reward myself for doing all my hard work. She asked if I was treating myself in any way, and I realized I hadn't really been doing anything like that. In some way my freedom, in and of itself, is a reward. It's such a magical feeling to be able, little by little, to get my life back.

But Kerry's right - I do need to reward myself. Some ideas that spring to mind are:

- Buying myself little presents from my Etsy wish list
- A yummy dessert
- A date with a friend
- Pretty fabric from Calico Corners
- A bottle of Champagne (when I'm allowed to drink again)
- Flowers
- DVDs of my favorite TV shows
- Visiting a new restaurant

It was kind of hard to think of ways to reward myself. That says something important, yes? I'll work on this more.

Yesterday was kind of hard for me. I woke up with higher anxiety levels, and doing my homework was really hard. I did, however, take the bus to school and stay out of the house until 4:23 (little victories!). I had initially planned to take the bus back from school as well, but I got too scared. I wasn't sure how long the ride would take, and staying out too late made me really nervous. But, I did make progress.

After I got home from work I got really scared and cried. Dr. E said that I might experience a "mid-week crash." So, I guess that's what happened. I'm trying to keep everything in perspective and remind myself that I'm still doing better than when I started on the medication. Like, that first week I went over to Tekla's house and was really nervous. I could barely stay an entire hour.

Also, I guess I should say that I need all the love and support that friends and loved ones can offer right now. Things are very hard still, and every little piece of homework feels like a battle. I would love any encouragement that anyone could offer!