Where do I begin? I've made a bit of progress recently: I'm staying out of the house until 4:25, eating more of what I want for dinner, and exercising. I went to a party for the first time since January. Fridays have been hard for me, as my anxiety is very peaked on this particular day, but I've been trying to get out of the house and socialize on anyway. Last Friday I had lunch with Tekla and Amanda, and this Friday Rachel and I went to The Omelettery on Burnet.
I think I've mentioned that my OCD makes me distrust things, events, or circumstances that I view as "good." Recently, I did some positive things for myself, like buying some really cute shoes and upgrading to the new iPhone 4S (it's so fancy!).
Lots of this stuff feels really great. I totally enjoy getting my life back, even if it is going slowly. But alongside this pride that I feel for standing up to my disorder, I kind of see myself as a freak. A malaise sinks in when I think about dating again or having to tell people about my compulsions. If my recovery continues the way it's been going, I will eventually be totally healthy. But, I know that it's possible for the disorder to relapse again. How would I even start to explain to a new boyfriend that I have this potentially debilitating illness? And, let's face it, no mater how much I criticize U.S. culture for stigmatizing mental illness, I still feel some level of embarrassment about my compulsions.
On the bright side, I have amazing friends, excellent doctors, and work that I care about passionately. I'm teaching a new class in the fall, and the course planning is lots of fun. Plus, summer is already here.
Showing posts with label good thing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label good thing. Show all posts
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Happy Sunday, blog world. This weekend has been pretty good. Mostly, my homework involved socializing. Dr. D encouraged me pretty strongly spend lots of time with my friends and family. They're my support system and also help me feel tons better.
Friday afternoon my aunt, cousin, and her two little children came into town and we had a long afternoon lunch. I was nervous because it was a Friday - recently, the weekends have been making me nervous because it's a long stretch of time where I can't get into contact with my doctors if I need to. However, I think this weekend I was less anxious than the previous weekend. This anxiousness about weekends is new for me, and quite frankly it sucks.
Yesterday was a big step because I went out and socialized on my own, without Mom! I didn't rely on Mom to drive or pay at all. I went out to lunch with my friend Tekla and ate a massive burrito. We bummed around a little bit and then I took her home. Later, I went to Target to buy this pretty vase I've been coveting. So, I guess I allowed myself to have a good thing. I rewarded myself - this is good.
Also, I went two whole days without crying. This isn't necessarily an accomplishment, per se, but an indicator of my mood stabilizing and my body adapting to the new medications. Dr. E said that my regular crying jags were probably being produced by the medication swap and my body/hormones adjusting. I didn't cry at all on Thursday or Friday. Yesterday I did get upset, though.
Sometimes I get really frustrated with the fact that I have OCD. I start to ask lots of unproductive questions like "Why did this have to happen to me?" or try to tell the universe that it's not fair for me to have this stupid illness. I suppose I'm grieving - from what I understand this kind of anger and sadness is normal. I'm just trying to let myself feel my feelings, whatever they are.
Friday afternoon my aunt, cousin, and her two little children came into town and we had a long afternoon lunch. I was nervous because it was a Friday - recently, the weekends have been making me nervous because it's a long stretch of time where I can't get into contact with my doctors if I need to. However, I think this weekend I was less anxious than the previous weekend. This anxiousness about weekends is new for me, and quite frankly it sucks.
Yesterday was a big step because I went out and socialized on my own, without Mom! I didn't rely on Mom to drive or pay at all. I went out to lunch with my friend Tekla and ate a massive burrito. We bummed around a little bit and then I took her home. Later, I went to Target to buy this pretty vase I've been coveting. So, I guess I allowed myself to have a good thing. I rewarded myself - this is good.
Also, I went two whole days without crying. This isn't necessarily an accomplishment, per se, but an indicator of my mood stabilizing and my body adapting to the new medications. Dr. E said that my regular crying jags were probably being produced by the medication swap and my body/hormones adjusting. I didn't cry at all on Thursday or Friday. Yesterday I did get upset, though.
Sometimes I get really frustrated with the fact that I have OCD. I start to ask lots of unproductive questions like "Why did this have to happen to me?" or try to tell the universe that it's not fair for me to have this stupid illness. I suppose I'm grieving - from what I understand this kind of anger and sadness is normal. I'm just trying to let myself feel my feelings, whatever they are.
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