Lists

As of yesterday, I've been on my own for a week. Mom left last Monday, and it's good to be self-sufficient again. Even though my rituals still keep me very limited, I don't feel like the helpless lump that I was about a month ago. There's quite a lot I want to write about in this post, and I think the content would be best facilitated by creating some lists.

I've accomplished some new (and exciting!) progress working against my OCD rituals. In the past week or so, I've achieved the following:

• Staying out of the house until 4:16
• Beginning to work on my dissertation again
• Eating more sweets (my OCD objected to candy, unfortunately)
• Completely taking care of myself, without help from Mom or Dad
• Feeling more comfortable putting effort into my appearance (wearing the clothes/jewelry/makeup that I want to)

Additionally, friends and family have offered tons of support. Did you know that my friends make up a small army of super-caring, ultra-generous, swift-acting, helper-people? Things I've received (whether tangible or intangible) include: 

• Tons of hugs, good thoughts, emails, calls, etc.
• Incredibly thoughtful cards from Kerry, Amanda, Stephanie, Lauren, Meg, Pamela and Nikki (seriously, I teared up when reading these)
• A gift from my Etsy wish list, courtesy of Lauren, that I'm anticipating with bated breath
• Coloring books (!!) from Meg
• Steven has offered Alaskan salmon that he caught
• A puzzle from Tekla
• Awesome lunch dates with Dustin, Stephanie, Amanda, and many more upcoming plans on my calendar to look forward to

Now that I'm more open about my OCD, many acquaintances and co-workers inquire about my improvement. My standard response usually alludes to how surreal things have felt, but I've been telling so many people how lucky I am to have such loving friends in my life. I, truly, would not be in such good shape and making such swift progress if it weren't for all of you. 

How You Can Help!

Because I have some of the best friends in the world, I've received lots of offers to help out. I've been thinking about types of support that would be helpful for me. If you want to help out, here are some things that would be good.

• Hugs! Big fatty friend hugs are pretty much the best.
• Cards. I'd love to have some cards to hang up in my apartment. I can get really anxious sometimes, so it would be nice to have a bunch of cards to serve as physical reminders of all the wonderful people in my life. You can send me an email or private message for my address, or you can leave it in my school mailbox.
• Lunch dates. Right now my rituals keep me housbound from around 4pm-onward during the evenings. OCD can be pretty isolating, and I don't want to get cut off from my friends. I'm going to try to schedule some lunch dates with every one to make sure that I maintain social contact. 
• Food is really good. I'm trying to put some weight back on, so I need to eat eat eat. I'll try to write a list of specific stuff that I like. 
• Jigsaw puzzles. For some reason, I've found that doing jigsaw puzzles helps me relieve anxiety and keeps me entertained. I usually buy 1000 piece puzzles at Target, Half Price Books, or a toy store, and would love to have more. 
• I also have an Etsy Wish List with pretty little trinkets.

Though Wednesday was pretty difficult, Thursday (yesterday) was better. I didn't cry, and my mood was a little bit perkier. I'm still suspicious of these days when I feel more upbeat, but Dr. E says that by next week I should be having more and more of them, and my good moods won't feel like a "fluke."

As for my homework, I did something very small, but it felt really good. I took care of cleaning up all of the dishes after dinner. I put away all the leftovers, and washed and scrubbed the plates in my sink. Up until now, Mom has been doing these kinds of things since I've been largely helpless. It felt really good to take back this little chore - I felt a bit more like myself, and I felt more capable.

Also, I got a very sweet phone call from my friend Kerry, and she offered lots of kind thoughts and advice. She said one thing that has stuck with me, which is to reward myself for doing all my hard work. She asked if I was treating myself in any way, and I realized I hadn't really been doing anything like that. In some way my freedom, in and of itself, is a reward. It's such a magical feeling to be able, little by little, to get my life back.

But Kerry's right - I do need to reward myself. Some ideas that spring to mind are:

- Buying myself little presents from my Etsy wish list
- A yummy dessert
- A date with a friend
- Pretty fabric from Calico Corners
- A bottle of Champagne (when I'm allowed to drink again)
- Flowers
- DVDs of my favorite TV shows
- Visiting a new restaurant

It was kind of hard to think of ways to reward myself. That says something important, yes? I'll work on this more.